If I Fall
by Get Hyper
Summary: Death consumed me. I let my sister die. She was murdered by Claude's hands. And then...then I fell in love with him. Now, centuries later, in my contract with Ciel...I've fallen head over heels again. But will this love between my master and I fall apart because of my past? Or will the relationship- and I- bloom? Slightly AU, OOC, yaoi, SebaCiel, SebastianxClaude.
1. Remember Me

**A/N:**

**I'm back! Yay! More fluff, perhaps. Yaoi warning. Not proofred. Sorry for spelling errors.**

_Watching as I stood on the cliff, the wind brushing my hair, flowing in my clothes. I look down on the town below me, eyeing one certian demon. Disgusting spider. My crimson eyes narrow at the infamous spider demon- Claude. He is holding my sister's hand- her name is Alice. She looks a lot like me, or that's just what our closest __friends__ say. But Claude... He's dangerous. Too dangerous. I hate the way his dull eyes scan over Alice like she's some sort of meal. Hissing in annoyance, I turn on my heel and storm away. I fold my raven wings closer to my shoulders, pausing, trying to create a lie to get Alice back home. I turn back around, run, and leap off the cliff. I spread my wings, closing my eyes, relishing the feel of the air wrapping around me. I dive head first, pull up at the last minute, and land softly. I run past other demons, making my way to the couple. _

_I call, "Alice!" My sister turns around sharply at the call of her name, her own crimson eyes focusing on me. I walk up to her as they two stop, "Hey, Alice. Mom and Dad called. They want to come over, so we have to clean our house." She furrows her brows, "I don't remember them saying such a thing." I gulp- I hate lying to her, "Well, they did. Time to come home." Alice smiles, "Fine." She turns and pecks Claude's cheek, "See you later." He looks down at her, "Call me." Alice nods, "I always do." I beckon her as I walk away, "Bye, Claude. C'mon, Alice." She smiles and runs after me. Alice eventually catches up with me, walking beside me, "You didn't need to lie. It's okay if you just want me to be home." I don't look at her, "You __**know **__I __**hate**__ Claude." Alice shrugs, "But I love him." I look at her through the corner of my eye, wondering if Claude loves her._

**"SEBASTIAN!"**

I snap from my daze as my young master yells at me. I jump, "Yes, my lord?" He growls lowly, "You were...drifting off. Again." Why can't I stay in the present? Alice was a long while ago- a century before I made my current contract with Ciel Phantomhive. Looking down at him, I say softly, "I'm sorry, my lord." He snorts, "What were you remembering, anyway?" My eyes drift to the floor, looking at nothing, "A distant time, my lord." He looks up from his office chair, "A distant time, you say? Interesting." I hope he doesn't press the subject. I shoot him a quick glance.

My little master, how I love you so. My little master, how I wish to pull you into my arms and keep you safe. If only I could protect you from all of the obscene dangers of the world. My little, young, proud, soft, master. How I love you so.

Ciel goes back to doing his paperwork, "Sebastian?" I watch him twirl his quill in his fingers, "Yes?" He sighs, "I'm...confused." I knit my eyebrows together in concern, "About what, my lord?" He stands suddenly, "Nevermind. What time is it?" I pull out my watch, popping it oopen, "Time for you to go to bed, my lord." He walks towards his office door, "Very well. I will skip a bath tonight." I follow him faithfully, "Fine, my lord." I follow him to his room, where he sits on the edge of his bed, and I slowly undress him.

_"It's fine! I'll be fine, Sebby! I know you have your doubts about Claude, but I'll be fine!" _

I believed her. I believed that _he_ wouldn't hurt her. I believed in _his_ lies. _He_ tricked both of us. _He_ killed us. Tore us apart. Forever. Never will I see her smiling face, her bright eyes. _He_ reached into my core, and broke me at the very base. _He _watched as my sister screamed in agony, her life being ripped from her. And _he_ meant to do it. Damn spider. Damn spider. Damn spider. Damn spi-

"Sebastian."

I slip Ciel's night shirt on over his head, "My lord?"

He looks up at me, "Sleep in here tonight. That's an order." I pause, "My lord...? Please excuse me, but why?" He takes off his eyepatch, "Because you look like you're going to crumble any minute. I konw you- and this isn't how you usually are." I take his eyepatch from him, smiling as his marked eye gives off the distinct faint glow, "Thank you, my lord."

He crawls under the covers, and I walk to the other side of the bed. Demons don't need sleep, but we can if we want to. I remove my tail coat, folding it and placing it next to the bed. I pull off my tie, setting it atop the other butler attire. I strip off layers of clothing until I'm left in my white undershirt and pants. Crawling under the covers, I face away from Ciel, "Goodnight, Bocchan." He whispers back to me, "Goodnight, Sebastian."

Bocchan as no appointments in the morning. Maybe I'll let him sleep in.

_I look through the glass window, spying on the two like I usually do. _

He won't mind.

_I freeze on the spot as Claude's eyes reach mine. He pretends not to notice me, but a smirk settles on his features. Alice is talking away, sitting down on the couch. A __**smirk**__? Claude has never showed emotion before. _

Perhaps I'll also make him a cake. Bocchan loves his sweets.

_I gasp as he turns and stands in front of her, blocking my view of the only other raven demon in existence. What is he planning? Suddenly, he reaches down and grabs Alice's shirt and lifts her up off the couch. I let out a feral growl as I stand and run to his front door. _

_"C-Claude?! What are you d1doing?!"_

_I grab the handle and try to push the door open. Damn- it's locked._

Or maybe some other sort of sweet. Anything with large amounts of sugar should be fine.

_I ready myself, taking a few steps back, ramming my shoulder into the door. It wont budge. "Alice! Hang on- I'm coming!" I shout through the door. I ram into it again as I hear Claude let out a low chuckle. Panicking, I ram myself into the door again, ignoring the pain shooting through my body. _

_"Sebastian! Sebastian!" _

I clutch to the sheets, fighting back tears. Why won't this memory cease to replay whenever I close my eyes? That's probably why I haven't slept since...

_"He can't save you now, dear Alice." _

_I grit my teeth, ramming into the door again. Damn. This door is strong. _

_Suddenly, I hear a sword being unsheathed. I bang on the door, "Open up, __**coward!**__" I hear footsteps running my way, "Sebastian! He's going to ki-" _

_I step back and kick open the door. Just as the door flies open, a demon sword is plunged through my sister's chest. _

No! Stop it! I don't want to remember this! NO!

_Blood pours from the fatal wound, blood pours from her mouth. _

_"Alice!"_

_The sword pulls out and she falls to her knees, revealing Claude, standing, smirking. I run to her and catch Alice befroe she falls. _

_"Alice, please. Don't go," I whisper to her._

_Silence. _

_"ALICE! Hold on!" I scream. _

_"S-Sebb-by... I-I can't...I I-I love you." _

_"NO! Alice, don't go!"_

_I clutch her head to my chest as I feel her breathing become shallow. This can't be happening to me. I close my eyes, buring my face in her hair. It should've been me. I couldn't save her. I failed. _

What did I do to deserve this? Why?!

_I look up at Claude through tear-filled eyes. He drops the sword and watches us with a smile on his face. I growl at him, "You sick, twisted, __**bastard!**__ I swear, I'll kill you. I will kill you!"_

_He laughs. __**Laughs. **__How __**dare **__he?! "Darling, Sebastian, you won't be able to do that..." He grabs my wrist, pulling me from my dead sister's body. Though tears tream down my cheeks and my mind if fogged with panic and sorrow, I know what he wants the moment he pins me to the wall..._

_No. No! NO!_ _**NO! **_

_"G-get off me! No! __**Get off!" **_

_A chuckle, "Darling Sebastian..."_

I cut my brain off, refusing to remember the rest of that night- and the years after her death, in Claude's spider web. I grit my teeth. Never will I forget, never will I stop wanting to kill Claude. I look over at Ciel- he's sleeping by now.

If I fall...

...who will catch me?


	2. Just Go

I groan, opening sleepy crimson eyes. How long have I been out? I look out the window, eyeing the sunlight creeping out from behind the curtians. I look at Ciel, and his sleeping figure. His chest rising and falling steadily. He looks so at peace- having as much stress in his life as he does. I reach across the bed to gently stroke his hair. I roll onto my side, smiling and Ciel nuzzles into my hand. _So much like a kitten..._My smile widens he scoots closer to me, and I wrap my arms around his delicate waist. He nuzzles into my half-bare chest and I hold him closer to me, content.

_No, I'll never let you go, Ciel. I might be letting go of myself, but I will push as far as I can go for you. You've put your trust- and love- into me, and I'm determined to never let that go to waste. I love you, Ciel. I love you so much. _

I'm broken from my thoughts when Ciel shifts and slowly opens up mismatched eyes. He blinks a few times, "Sebastian...?" I smile warmly at him, "Good morning, Bocchan." He pulls out of my grasp and sits up, "Do I have anythung to do today?" I sit up as, well, "No, my lord." I get out of bed, buttoning up my shirt, and pulling on my vest and tailcoat before slipping on my tie. I open up the curtians and roughly check my image in the glass. _Perfect, like always_. Turning back around, I look down at Ciel for a split second beofre quickly gathering his clothes for the day. The same old routine. Day after day after day. I undress, then dress him quickly. Ciel doesn't say anything, and niether to I. After dressing him, I stand and turn to leave.

"Wait, Sebastian. Come here." I turn around, my blank expression faltering when I see the hurt in his eyes.

"Yes, my lord?"

"What's wrong with you," he asks, softly. I stand perfectly still, blocking the heartache in my chest, trying to push out the vioces in my head.

_"The price for you has doubled- if not tripled! Congratulations, Sebastian, you are now the __**only **__raven demon in all of Hell. If there will be another one of you, I don't know. One of your kind is rare...very rare..." My sister. My poor, dead sister. I didn't protect her like I promised I would. Why, Alice?! Why not me?! Yet, I guess I would rather her have the safe peacfulness death brings than my horror-filed chest right now. _

_"And you are all __**mine**__."_

I bow repectfully, puttung my hand over my heart, "Nothing, my lord. I assure you, I am fine."

"_No, _you are not."

"Yes, I am. Yes, I am."

Suddenly, his voice turns angry- worried even, "GOD, DAMN, SEBASTIAN! YOU'RE **_NOT _**OKAY! Take the rest of the day off- that's and **order." **I can do nothing but bow and comply, "Yes, my lord."

As I walk out and head down the hall I realize I'm shaking. Shaking- no, trembling. I quickly step down the stairs, heading down the hallway filled with the servant's rooms. I open my door quickly, shutting it behind me and sliding down the dark wooden door. I pull my knees to my chest. Look at me- I'm so weak. I sob once into my clothes knee, closing my eyes. Damn, damn, damn. Don't cry. Don't cry. C'mon Sebastian- you've been put through too much to break like this. I bite my bottom lip, crimson eyes filled with too much pain. Can someone just stab me through the chest and end this pain? Anybody? Is anybody even listening to me? Can anybody hear my screams, or see me drown?

"I can see you, Sebastian, darling."

I open my eyes and snap my head up.

No, it can't be.

Golden eyes narrow as they focus on me.

Ebony black hair frames his pale face.

My worst nightmare.

**"C-Claude?!"**

**A/N: Sorry, it's so short! I updated...Yay?**


	3. Left Overs

**A/N: Hi, my wonderful readers~ Here is chapter 3 ((no matter how much it may suck)) XD It's from Ciel's POV, by the way! **

**I got over 1000 words, and I'm pretty proud of myself! Yay! Anyway, on with the warnings!**

**Warning(s): yaoi, mentions of rape ((if you think read close enough)) **

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN KUROSHITSUJI!  
**

I sigh, flopping down onto my bed. What is _wrong _with Sebastian?! What is with _**that **_look in his eyes?! The one that makes me think that perhaps somewhere deep inside my powerful demon is dead- broken and crumpled, shattered and bleeding, screaming for anybody to save him from the unending depths of pain. Shaking my head to clear it, I close my mismatched eyes, listening to the silence in my room. This awkard, stunning silence. However, my silence is broken by a cry;

_"N-No! Not again! G-Get off me, Claude!_ **NO!_"_ **

I sit straight up, goosebumpms on my skin. It sounded like...Sebastian? But...why? He's...Just in his room, right? I look around, searching for the source. It could't be Sebastian.

"_**STOP IT! **Yes, I am in a contract- now get off!" _

Yes- that was Sebastian. It _had _to be. Before I know what's happening my soul is taken out of my room, down the hall, and straight into Sebastian's room. It's dark in here, and I'm seeing Sebastian from a third person point of view. He's pinned against his door, his head held in place by a fist grabbing a handful of his raven hair. A dark figure has him pinned to the door, and I cry out to say something, but my voice is lodged in my throat. A pair of cold, clamy lips find thier way to Sebastian's neck- lips that are _not _mine. Not that I'd want to kiss his neck...

That smooth, sweet neck...Yum.

I cut off those thoughts to watch Sebastian's terrified crimson eyes dart to the drawer in the stand beside his bed. I went in that drawer once. That weird, glowing knife came from that drawer. Maybe it can save Sebsatian...Maybe...

He squirms under the other- what I inferred as- demon and he opens his mouth to let out a shriek, but his mouth is covered by another hand, "Shhh, darling Sebastian~" Sebastian's eyes close tightly, and he trembles under it's weight, letting out a small whimper.

I'm zoomed back to my room before I can hit that dark mass and get it off _my _butler. That _**bastard! **_My butler. Not his... his... **plaything**. I jump off of my bed, knowing that the longer I sit by and do nothing, the longer Sebastian has to endure that torture. I crawl under my bed- Sebastian's too big to fit- and grasp the knife with shaking hands. I crawl back out, setting my eyes on the door.

_"Ngh- no! I-I don't- w-want this!"_

_"You know you do, darling~"_

Enough. I walk to the door, opening the door and walking calmy down the stairs, towards Sebastian's room. Gathering up my courage, I put my ear to his dark- almost black- door, listening for thier voices.

"C-Claude~ Stop!"'

His voice is faint. Not in front of the door. Hm, so they moved since I last saw them. I put my had on the doorknob, taking in a deep breath, putting on a brave face. _For Sebastian. For my butler, my demon, my raven. For my...love._ I push the door open, eyes filled with rage, ready to cut anything that moves.

Then I see Sebastian.

Alone.

Crumpled.

Dead, broken.

Tears streaming down his face, curled up, on the floor, trying his best not to scream. Claude- no where in sight.

Claude- gone- he left, like a coward.

I drop the knife, running over to Sebastian. He pushes me away when I crouch down next to him. "N-no more," he whispers, his eyes shut tightly.

"Sebastian, it's me- your young master," I whisper as I gently run my fingers through his hair. He doesn't say anything, just sits up and leans against his bed, bloody, crying, scarred, broken. I reach out and wrap my arms around him, "Hey, Sebastian, I'm here. Don't cry. PLease, baby, don't cry." He only sniffles, his breathing shallow and shaky. He wraps his arms around my frame, pulling my close to his chest, "Y-young...m-mas..." I listen to the steady thump, thump, thump of his heart. I let him gently pet my head, tears still rolling down those cheeks, landing on my head. I look up at him with warm, true eyes, "Sebastian, I didn't know you had a heart." He starts to tremble, "Y-yes, young master. I-I ha-had one..."

I gently reach up to wipe the tears from his face, "Why are you still crying? He's gone now, and it's okay." He only shakes his head, "I thought I could do this on my own...I've lost so m-much. I-I'm sorry, B-bocchan, but I'm in...peices. I'm not the perfect butler- I'm not who you want me to be." I lay my head on his chest, "Don't be stupid, Sebastian. I love you, I love every single thing about you. Your brokenness, your cockiness, your eyes, your hands, everything. No matter what." He looks back down at me, his eyes hesitant, but a small smile finding it's way to his lips, "I love you too, Ciel."

His petting increases, as if I'm a pet of his. I don't mind, though. It feels nice, actually, to be so wrapped up in Sebastian's arms. Even if he's trembling. And crying. "I was so stupid to think that it was all over. I've known Claude for a long while- almost my whole demonic life. It's...hard to talk about, young master, please forgive me." I snuggle closer to his chest, "Sebastian, I don't care. You don't have to tell me at all, if you don't want to. I'm sorry I let this happen." He scartches the top of my head with his gloved nails, "It's not your fault, Ciel. I'll be fine- eventually. I think." He blinks a few times, as if thinking.

I laugh lightly, "Of course you'll be okay. You're Sebastian..." He rubs my back gentley, "If I may, my lord, may I sleep with you tonight?" I smile, "Of course!" He hugs me tighter, "Thank you, my lord." I roll my eyes, "Now go make breakfast, you stupid demon." He smirks slightly at my usual name-calling. He picks me up and sets me on his bed, bowing, with his hand on his chest, "Yes, my lord."

But, as he looks at me, I can see the darkness within his eyes.

So, that battle isn't over yet, it seems.

Perhaps this war has only just begun?


	4. The Worst

**A/N: HI! Thanks for clicking! So, um yeah! Over 1,300 words! Woot! **

**Warning(s): self harm, dark thoughts, perhaps a bit of gore.**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN KUROSHITSUJI!  
**

I walk out of my room, calm composed.

On the outside.

On the inside I can feel my insides churning. This crawling, bleeding, disgusted feeling. But I can't say anything to Ciel- no, it'll break his tender heart. I randomly pick a recipe for Ciel as I walk into the kitchen. I shimmy out of my tailcoat, hanging it up on a hook on the backside of the door. I tie an apron around my hips, letting my mind wander a dark ally.

_That was...awful. Dear Satan, how could I have crumbled like that? _

I look at the pantry, the list of stuff needed for breakfast popping up. I grit my teeth, willing the darkness away. I grab what I need, quickly, trying to get this over with so I can go back to sitting in my room, letting all this pain out freely.

_I'm so sick of the tension, the hunger, so sick of him acting like I owe him this. _

I clench my fists, looking at everything on the counter. My crimson eyes narrow on the knife. That knife...The feeling of the cool metal against my skin that I knew too well. I just stand, watching the blade. No, I won't fall into _that _again. No, I won't ley myself cause my heart so much pain again.

I unwilling reach for it, gripping the wooden handle so hard my pale knuckles turn white. I remember the first time. How I had cut all the way up my arm- until it stopped hurting. It became addictive. I'd use human weapons- so my cuts would heal almost instantly- and just keep cutting in one spot. I sigh deeply. What a stupid demon I was.

Sure, it relieved my pain for a moment, but when all was said and done, I returned to the hellish nightmare that was my life. The way that they stared, spat on me and hissed, _"Whore." _as I limped by. I clench the knife harder, hearing the handle crack beneath the pressure. Like I care- I won't let my past hinder me.

I have a future- with Ciel, my young master, my lover. My _**lover.**_If I can't stay strong for myself, do it for him. I sigh deeply, closing crimson eyes. Maybe just once...The blade presses against my skin and I can grit my teeth.

_"Oh~ Has Sebastian become weak?"_

_I can't speak- my throat is hoarse and dry from screaming. My vocal cords stopped working long ago, but he still tries to get me to scream. Sometimes I can manage to let one out. I only cough, avioding his eyes. He grabs me and quickly pulls me into a hug, "Darling, Sebastian~, why are you not speaking? Have you lost your voice?" I nod, looking up at Claude._

_This is one of his sweet moments. Where he seems to actually care. He kisses the top of my head, "Can't have my favorite raven getting sick, can we? Go rest- I'll get some water for you." _

_I'll never understand his twisted ways._

I drop the knife- I won't let these dark thoughts interfere with my duties. I have a young master to attend to, and he needs my full attention.

* * *

After breakfast is over and cleaned, I lay lazily on my bed. Young master told me to relax. Ugh- it's hard to when your mind is plagued with darkness. I sit up, deciding to do somethig humans consider...relaxing. A bath. The idea seems nice, relaxing, innocent. I roll out of my bloody red sheets, walking into my own bathroom. I close and lock the door, and turn on the bathwater. I haven't relaxed in this way since...since...I pause, thinking. _When_ **_was_ **_the last time I took some time for myslf? _I shrug, looks at my bathroom counter. _The obsidian counters are a nice touch. _

I smile to myself as I look at the drawers. Hm. I haven't been through these in a while. I opened the first drawer- pink hair dye?. I close it quickly, moving to the one next to it. The smile that has settled upon my features slips from my face I look inside.

That knife.

The one I cut with.

Why do I still have it?

The bathwater is about to overflow. I rush over to turn it off. I strip of my butler attire, looking at the open drawer. I hastily grab the knife, placing it on the side of the tub as I sink into the hot water.

It feels good- this burning sensation on my skin. I dip my whole head into the water, holding my breath to unnatural time lengths. I slolwy melt from the hot water, chuckling as I imagine myself as some sort of seaweed monster emerging from the depths of a swamp. I lay my head back and let a relaxed sigh escape as tense muscles unclench.

I don't have a care in the world right now. Not at all. I'm all alone, ralxed, comfortable. I have a demonic weapon that I can defend myself with- Ciel is raiding the kitchen for sweets. My eyes drift to the knife again. It's silver blade is taunting me. Mocking me, wondering why I'm not using it on myself. I hiss lowly, crimson eyes narrowing.

I reach out for it, water sploshing all over the place. I grip the handle, turning it over a few times, watching the light reflect off of the metal. I raise my wrist out of the water, spolshing more water around. I look at the knife, then my pale wrist. I see the blue veins underneath pale, translucent skin. My viens are so easily seen. I push the sharp edge against my skin.

I make one sharp, jerky movement and blood is running down my arm, into the water. The clear water soon turns a murky light red as the blood drips.

Drip, drip, drip.

I can't stop the blood flow- do I want to? I make another cut, biting my lower lip at the pain. This stinging pain I know too well. I grit my teeth as I make the cuts all the way up my forearm.

What will Bocchan think?

The water is a deep crimson now, but I don't care. The drop the knife over the edge of the tub, rather satisfied at the mess I had created. I stretch, blood running down my arm. I unplug the bathwater, letting it drain. I stand and walk over to the sink. I turn on the water, washing my wounds off. I feel so calm, so collected. I dry myself, pulling my clothes back on slowly.

Walking out of the bathroom, no one will know.

No one will guess, no one will think to ask.

I will not let Ciel know, his mind will not be scarred with my self harm. I'll fake smiles and pretend to be alright.

But, on the inside, I'll be screaming, writhing in pain and screaming out for anybody to save me until my throat is numb.

* * *

That night, I crawl into Ciel's bed. He snuggles next to me, "Sebastian," he whispers softly. I reach up and pet the top of his head, "Yes, my lord?" He lays his head against my chest, "A-are you okay?" I scratch the his head softly, my ungloves nail scratching at his scalp, "In time, my young lord. I'm just fine right now."

"You're lying."

"I assure you, I am not lying."

He looks up at me, tears rolling down his cheeks, "I'll fix you. I promise. I don't care how long it takes- I swear, Sebastian, I will fix you."

I looks down at my young lord, "I love you, Ciel."

"I love you, too Sebastian."

As the night goes on, Ciel eventually falls asleep in my arms. I hope his efforts don't go to waste. I love him. I let my eyes slowly flutter close, I'm thankful that he didn't see the scars.


	5. Not Okay

**A/N: I can't believe we are already at the fifth chapter! My reveiwers/readers are making me happy- and I ****_hate _****writers who threaten to not upload if people don't review. I write what I want/when I want ((but I do take suggestions)) and if other people love it, great. If not, then why are you here? Anyways...On with the story!**

**Warning(s): More self harm ((Tsk, tsk, Sebby)) perhaps some gore, dark thoughts. **

**I DO NOT OWN KUROSHITSUJI!**

* * *

I blink open crimson eyes. What time is it? It's been about a week since I started cutting again- thank Satan Ciel hasn't found out yet. I decided against using human weapons this time- if Iuse demonic weapons it will force the time between cutting sessions to be farther apart. I also started to cut both wrists. I sigh, running my fingertips lightly over the scabs and scars.

Damn, why did I start doing this? The knife is small enough to fit in the pocket of my tailcoat, so I don't have to worry about Ciel going through my stuff and finding it. Even if he did, I would say it is for self-purposes. I'm not lying, but I'm not saying the total truth, either. Once or twice, when I'm lying awake at night, Ciel had crawled in next to me and we had held each other until I fell asleep.

Looking up at the roof, I sigh. Look at what I'm doing to the poor kid. He has seemed to tired, so sluggish. I roll onto my side, reaching for my pocket watch. I pop it open. 4:30 am. Great. I can't sleep. I roll back onto my back, letting myself remember.

_"What a fine specimen you have here, Claude! How much did you pay for him?" I watch this portly, round, drunken demon admire me. I yelp, nearly dropping my teacup when he reaches over and pinches my backside. Claude wraps a protective arm around me, "Now, now, Mr. Richardson. I humbly accept your praise, but I must tell you. You can look but you **cannot **touch." His voice lowers to a whisper, "That's my job." I snort at his dirty joke and set my teacup down. His grip tightens. I hiss lowly, but don't protest. _

_I guess one good thing that comes from Claude is that he protects me from other demons. He's so weird. _

I feel like cutting again. I look at my wrist. Hmph. Not yet.

_I look over at Claude through the corner of my eye. He's talking with his fellow demons. We are in a bar- he drags me everywhere he goes with him. I'm currently wearing a too tight shirt, short shorts, and leather boots. I blush as some demons from across the way stare. I aviod the bar tender's eyes as he gives me my drink. I sip it slowly. He won't stop **staring. **_

_I scoot a little closer to Claude, whimpering. Claude holds me close, "My love, what's wrong?" I squirm, "They won't stop **staring." **He chuckles, "That's because you're beautiful, darling Sebastian." Sighing, I relax into his embrace. Just don't deny it, don't try to fight this, just deal with it. It's all part of the act. I'll escape one day. One day...one day._

I shut my eyes, sighing. That's right. _Don't deny it. Don't try to fight it. Just deal with it. It's just part of it. _I sigh- I need to cut and cut now. I reach under my pillow and slip out the pocket knife. I flop out of bed and go into the bathroom. I close and lock the door behind me. Sighing, I hold my wrist over the sink, holding the cool metal against it.

Closing tired, pain-filled eyes, I cut. God, it hurts so damn good. Blood runs down my wrists, into the sink. I hiss through clenched teeth.

_I open confused eyes. I squirm- I'm all bound in a basement of some sort. I can't exactly see anything. but I feel cold metal holding my arms above my head. I hiss as a figure comes into my view. Claude. His golden eyes look me over, "Hm. You look so wonderful, all tied and bound." I try to spit an insult at him, only to realize I have tape over my mouth. I settle for a low, demonic growl. _

_Go on. Scribble out the truth with your lies, Claude. I **will **survive them. _

_He raises the whip above his head. We're all alone. I'll get out- I won't let him break me. _

_The leather comes down and cracks against my skin. I scream with my mouth shut. Damn him. _

Blood runs down my forearm. All that blood I've shed. I won't let it go to waste. Perhaps thats why I do this. To remind me of the pain he put me through. Why do I love this sweet, sweet pain? Why does it make me feel better? Because my heart is bleeding and slipping out along with the deep crimson. I watch the blood drip down into the sink. The same _pat pat pat _of blood dripping I've been hearing for so long. I turn on the tap, washing off the blade, before washing off my own wounds. I make sure they stop bleeding before I grab my knife and walk out.

I pop open my pocket watch again. 5:30 a.m. Might as well start to get ready.

* * *

_2/14/87_

_Throughout the day, I found myself seeking the shelter of solitude more and more. Ihad cut more than ever and, for the life of me, could not figure out why. Duties were left unfinsished. I was late more than once. I think Ciel_ _is on to me. Why else would he call me at the most random of times, just to get a peck on the cheek? Or to retie his shoe? Or some other useless order? He's just worried, though. Hmph. Ineed to be more careful in the future._

_- Sebastian Michaelis _

* * *

I close the book, tying it shut and putting back in the drawer it belongs in. I lock it, dropping the key into the same pocket as my knife. Sighing, I sit down on my bed. I whip out my knife, biting my lower lip.

_Crush. Crush. Crush. Crushcrushcrush._

_I dart towards the fence, lungs heaving, legs pumping. Imanaged to escape. Somehow, I did it. I **did **it. However, it isn't over yet. I look up at the barb wire fence. I take out my claws and try to hard to cut the wire. _

_No luck._

**_"Sebastian!"_**

_Damn! I give up trying to cut it and dig. Dig fast. Dig hard. His footsteps come closer. No, no, no, no, **no. **Iworked too hard to get here. _

I close my eyes, watching the memory replay. The fear, the rush. I hated it. Cold metal presses against cold skin. I should do this in the bathroom. Ciel is asleep; he shouldn't be here.

_I manage to dig a sizable hole. I try to dart under the fence. He's coming closer. I rip through it. I get ready to sprint when I feel a sharp pain in my wing. _

_The fence._

_It's caught. _

_I panic. _

_I yank and pull, yelping in pain as it pulls on the sensitive flesh. I look up- Claude's almost here. I shut my eyes, and rip the flesh through. Yelping harshly in pain, I run. Though my wing is torn and bleeding, I stumble, and try so hard to run. I look back- Claude isn't following me anymore. Thank Satan. I stumble and fall into dark alley._

_I'm okay...I'm okay..._

I'm okay now...I'm okay now... I push against my skin and let it slice open pale skin. Crimson blood drips down my forearm and I close my eyes in pure bliss. I perk up when I sense Ciel coming my way. I panic, throwing the knife into the bathroom- the blade sinks into the wall- and hastily lick my wounds.

The door clicks open.

Ciel's eyes focus on my wrists. The blood dripping onto the floor.

"S-S-Seba-Sebastian?!" He shrieks. I gulp and pale.

I'm okay...I'm okay now...

But he really needs to listen to me.

I mean it.

Trust me!

I'm _not _okay.


	6. Something Wrong

**A/N: Hi, everybody! I'm back! Hi~**

**If any body has any suggestions or has something they really like about my story, please feel free to say so! Any way, I give you...**

**CHAPTER 6! I DO NOT OWN KUROSHITSUJI**

**Warning(s): yaoi, angst, self-harm.**

* * *

My butler.

My sarcastic, teasing, sexy butler.

My _broken _butler.

* * *

"Young master. It is time to wake up."

I groan and sit up, "Sebastian?" He looks down at me, "Good morning, love." I sigh, "What's for breakfast?"

"Waffles?"

"Sounds good to me."

He shuffles out of bed and stands. He bows, his hand on his chest, and walks out. I eye the door.

Sebastian didn't take off his shirt like he normally does when he sleeps. Strange

* * *

"Sebastian!"I call loudly. Expecting my butler to come through the doors, I sit back and stretch. He doesn't come. I hiss in annoyance.

"Sebastian!" I call again. Standing out of my office chair, I call once more, "_Sebastian!" _

At last, I hear the door open, "Yes, young master?"

"You're late. You're _never _late!"

Sebastian bows slightly, "I am sorry, my lord. I was busy." I roll my eyes and sit down again. "What did you need, Bocchan?" I point to my cheek, "Kiss me~" He smiles and walks over, bending down to kiss my cheek softly, "I love you, Ciel~" He whispers into my ear. I blush and giggle, "I love you, too, Sebastian."

He nuzzles into my neck. I purr softly, "Why were you late?" He whispers softly to my neck, "I told you, my lord, I've been busy." I whimper, "Busy doing what?" He sighs, some conflict in his eyes, "I was taking a break from my duties, my lord." I giggle as his warm breath lands on the crook of my neck, "Oh, Sebastian." Kissing my neck softly, he whispers to my ear, "Ciel~" I push him away, "Alright, alright. Leave me be, Sebastian. Go back to your boring butler duties..."

He stands and smiles, though it looks forced and fake, "Of course, my lord." He bows before leaving.

Something is wrong with my butler. He's hiding something. Something. Something, but _what?! _

I look down at my paper work, though I know I won't be able to focus. He's hurting; I _know _he's screaming out for me from the deepest depths of his mind, his shrieks like his slippery, glass, heart shattering. I shudder at the thought of my Sebastian, chained, abused, _raped. _

Rape.

One word we are _both _know too well. He was raped, I was raped, both of us too many times to count.

Shaking my head to clear it, I scan my eyes over the financial report. The numbers jumble together and I can't read them. Sighing once more, I give up and slam the stack of papers on the desk. Damn whoever hurt him. Damn that Claude demon. I go to walk towards the door, but I feel myself breaking down. I let a few tears slip out and suddenly, they are joined by others. So many others.

I fall to my knees. Won't somebody tell me why my love isn't happy?

He said he loves me. He never said it will be easy.

* * *

It's past my bed time, but I can't sleep. I toss and turn and whimper and hiss. I eventually give in and get out of bed. Stretching, I decide to visit Sebastian. I walk out, large colbat and azure eyes abosorbing the darkness that cloaks my home. I manage to stumble down the stairs without accident and set foot on the cold floor beneath. I shiver a bit, tip toeing down the hallway and pausing in front of Sebastian's door.

I can feel that pain and horror rolling our of his room in waves. I put a hand on the door, trembling a bit from the cold.

It all happens so fast. The emotions.

The door opens, the blood drips, and I shriek something, but I can't hear myself.

Sebastian looks up at me, his eyes wide and frantic- like a trapped animal. He was licking blood off the underside of his wrist, though crimson still stains his skin.

First, the confusion;

Why, Sebastian? Why? Why are you hurting yourself? Why didn't you come to me first? Why did you do this? Why are you looking at me like this?

I open my mouth to voice my questions, but all words are lodged in my throat. "Ciel..." his voice softly says. I fall to my knees because I've been chasing a lie.

Then, the rage;

A lie...He _lied. _He said he was fine, but he _lied. _He _told _me he was fine, yet I _knew _he was screaming for me from the unending pit of pain and scars.

But I believed his pathetic _lie. _

And, finnaly, the sorrow;

Oh, Sebastian...

I crawl to him and he picks me up, blood smearing on my clothes. I clutch to him, "S-S-S-Seba-Sebastian..."

"Shhh...Shhh...I'm sorry. Don't cry.."

I'm crying? I reach up and feel warm tears. Yeah, I guess I am. I nuzzle into his chest, tears smearing on his shirt, "Sebastian, why?! _Why?!_" He holds me close, "It eases my pain, love." He kisses the top of my head, "It makes life bearable for me." I look up and sob helplessly, "Aren't I enough?! What else do you want from me? I will give you anything! I _will _fix you, god damnnit, Sebastian!"

"Shh...shh...It's okay. It's okay..." He's crying, too, now.

"Who are you trying to convince, Sebastian?"

I look up at him and he looks down at me,

"You or me?"

* * *

**A/N: Hi all my wonderful readers! It's something! I have no idea, but it's something! Um...please excuse the misspelling. I should really proofread these more often. Anyways...I'm done! Happy reading!**


	7. We're Empty

**A/N: Hey, everybody! I'm back! Here we go~**

**Warning(s): yaoi, angst, gore, shotas. **

* * *

_"Who are you trying to convince, Sebastian?" Ciel asked as he looked up at me, "You or me?"_

I close my eyes, still feeling warm tears slip out, "Me, young master." I feel a gentle thumb reach up and wipe away my tears, "Hey, now, don't cry, too." I chuckle softly as he reaches up and kisses my cheek, "Sebastian...Do you really like to hurt yourself this way?" I look down at him, "N-no, my lord. I'd say it's like a drug, but I don't feel the high." He sighs softly and kisses underneath my chin, "Why don't you come sleep with me tonight? Will that make you feel better?" I nod and he smiles, hopping off my lap, "Alright, c'mon."

I smile a bit as I follow him out.

The knife in the bathroom wall long forgotten.

* * *

When we reach Ciel's room, he crawls under the covers and nuzzles into the sheets happily. I pull off my butler attire, neatly folding it like always. I slip under the sheets with Ciel, sighing happily as silk caresses my skin. I feel my little love cuddle next to me, his head underneath my chin. I gently rest my chin atop his head, his breath tickling my bare stomach, my arms wrapped so tightly around him.

I close my eyes in pure bliss.

I could stay like this forever. Just my bocchan and me, relaxing, the silence around us not awkward, but peaceful.

I whisper softly, "I love you, Ciel." A moment later I hear his sleepy reply, "I love you, too, Sebas,' he yawns, '...tian."

I smile to myself, letting my eyes open halfway as I feel my used body begin to unwind. My wrists have stopped bleeding a while ago. I let my body sink into the soft mattress, Ciel's gentle breathing lulling me to a state of relaxation I did not know I was capable of. Before I know what's happening, I feel my mind succumb to fatigue and I drift off, holding my little love tightly.

* * *

Sometime later, I feel my eyes flutter open. It's still dark outside, and before I can struggle my, mind is thrown back in time.

"_I didn't want to use this method, but I see it cannot be helped."_

_"N-No, Claude. you don't have to!"_

_My captor looms over me, my arms and legs pinned down as he bites down on my neck, "YOu tried to escape when I had my back turned. I dind't want to mark you this way, but you forced it upon yourself." I thrash underneath him, "N-no," as my shorts are yanked down to my ankles._

_No, no, no ,no ,no ,no, **NO! **He's going to rape me. Again. And again and again and again!_

_He travels down my bare skin, and I only squirm and thrash and hiss more. He pauses on my upper thigh. "C-Claude," I question carefully. His hand stops on my pale skin, "Sebastian...I am going to mark you." _

_NO! "Don't mark me, please," I plead openly. When he marks me, his contract symbol is burned onto my skin and any demon can tell that I have been claimed. It's like a dog collar- proving that I am Claude's pet. He etches his contract symbol into the skin of my thigh with a black pocket knife, whispering words in the demonic language. _

_It burns. It burns. Please, stop, Claude. Please stop! _

_"All done...," he purrs as he looks up at me, wiping his blood soaked hand on the sheets. _

_I whimper as the muscles in my leg throb. Why does he always hurt me so bad? _

_"Sebastian...I love you." _

I jerk back to life and stumble out of bed. I walk down the hallway, down the stairs into my room.

"_No, no Claude..."_

_"Can't you tell? All those gentle kisses and the times when I stopped when you begged me to? Are you that blind?!"_

I open the bathroom door and rip the knife from the wall and lean against the red painted wall. I trace the circled star underneath my pants, and in one swift motion dig the blade into the mark.

Pain.

It burns. It hurts, my leg throbs as I grit my teeth and twist the blade. Blood pours out and I try to hard not to scream as crimson blood runs down my leg. I yank the knife out and collapse onto the floor. I cry, tears running down my cheeks and harsh sobs racking my body. I shift out of my black dress pants, looking down at the wound in my leg. I can see my bone and I puke a little in my mouth. I struggle to stand, leaning against the wall and limping out. I flop onto my bedroom floor.

_I dig the dirty glass into my skin, slicing, cutting out the horrid mark. This should get rid of it. So Claude can't find me. I snarl as the layer of skin peels back and I cut it off without a second thought. It lands with a sick splat. _

_I close tired eyes, an abused body curling up on the cold, hard ground. At least it's better than sleeping in Claude's damned mansion for one more night. _

I sob and army crawl into the hallway. I think I might be going crazy. "C-Ciel...Ciel..," I sputter, nails digging into the carpet.

I want to kill myself. So bad. Just ram that damn knife into my chest and let me pathetic excuse for a life slip away. No one really cares, anyway. I shut my eyes and just lay there in the dark hallway, letting all darkness consume me as I bleed.

_"What have you done...," he whispers, looking down at the mess I made, "What've you done, now?!" A harsh smack is delivered to my cheek. I hang my head in shame. I messed up Claude's party, I need to be punished. I kneel in front of him and he genlty pets my hair, "You know what must be done." I lower my eyes as he grabs a fistful of my hair and forced me to look up at him, "Oh, Sebastian...You look so wonderful submitting to me the way you are." I let a few tears slip out. _

_I don't want to be punished. It's not my fault I tripped on the rug and spilled the tea on Claude's guest's lap._

_I think Claude purposely made me fall. _

_He likes to punish me. It brings him some sort of sick satisfaction to watch me scream and cry an dbeg for him to stop his absolute **torture, **knowing that he won't and my screaming only makes him want me more. _

I hate my life.

I hate my life.

I hate my life.

I want to die. I want to die. I _want _to _die._

I can't. I have Ciel. Ciel...I have Ciel.

The morning sun winks at me through the cooks and windows in the mansion. I stand, making my way towards Ciel's room.

* * *

While Ciel eats his dinner, I watch.

I remember my father. He was kind to me, until I turned six.

Ciel eats and occasionally steals a glance at me.

_Hunger. _

_I'm so hungry._

_But I can't beg for food, not like Father wants me to. I will silently scream. I will not give in. _

_I pull at the cuff around my ankle, hissing in frustration. There really is no point anymore. I flinch when the door opens, "Kiaran?" I look at him, "Father?"_

_"What have I said about calling me that?"_

_"Sorry...Daddy." _

_He walks up to me and crouches down, gently petting my hair. I flinch when he touches me, "It's a habit."_

_"It's alright Kiaran. You truly look adorable..." _

_I let a small whimper escape as he tilted my head up to look at him, "I-I..." _

_He gently kisses my forehead, "Are you afraid?" I nod. _

_"What are you afraid of?"_

_"You."_

Ciel stands and gently kisses my cheek. I force a smile for the umpteenth time.

I follow Ciel as he beckons me away.

I try so hard not to let him watch me fall.

* * *

**A/N: This was crap. OH WELL! **

**I wont be updating for at least a week, so have fun! The theme song for this story is What Have You Done by Within Temptation. **

**Check it out! **

**Bye~**


	8. Hope

**A/N:Another chappie for you, loves! **

**Warning(s): yaoi ((as always)), angst, mentions on child rape, incest and abuse. **

**On with the show! **

* * *

I follow Ciel to his room, where he stands in front of his bed.

"Young master," I say softly, and he motions to my clothes, "Strip. And, yes, that's an _order._" I squirm and say, "Y-young master...I..." He stares at me coldly, "Sebastian. I'm not here to seduce you. Take off your clothes, all the way down to the boxers." I lower my eyes and blush, shuffling off my tailcoat.

Cuts are revealed.

Across my stomach, across my wrists. I pause as it comes time for me to remove my black dress pants.

The wound still hasn't healed. True, to skin has somewhat come back, but it's still very much an injury.

"Sebastian."

I squirm out of them, letting the article of clothing pool around my ankles. I look down and I hear Ciel gasp, "Oh, Sebastian...Baby..." I feel a knot in my stomach, suddenly feeling so selfish and foolish.

How could I ever want to kill myself when I have Ciel?

Ciel, who cares so much?

Ciel, who will always be there for me and grab my wrist at the last second?

Ciel, who will prevent me from falling?

"C-Ciel...," I whisper and he runs up to me. His small arms wrap around my waist and he hugs me tight. He hugs me tight and I can't help but hold him so close.

I feel like I'm walking on broken glass. My feet hurt and my mind broke the rest of my body.

"It's okay, Sebastian...It's okay, I'm here. I'm here, baby...I won't let you go, I promise. I told you I'd fix you, right?"

I nod as I look down at my little love and he says softly against my bare skin, "I _will _keep my promise I made to you."

But, can't you see, Ciel? I can't be fixed- I've already fallen too far too fast.

From my abusive father to being Claude's prisoner...It's all too much...I can't go on any more like this...

"Ciel...Ciel I can't be fixed," I whisper softly, running a hand through his hair. "Of course you can, Sebastian...I won't give up until you are," he counters, eyebrows knitting together in an expression that's just too cute it should be illegal, but not right now. "No, Ciel. I can't. I've tried...I've tried to hard...But I can't. It can't happen," I whisper back. Ciel says back to me in a firm, yet still childish voice, "No! I won't...I won't stop!" "Ciel," I say sternly, pushing away from him, "Listen to yourself! It cannot happen!"

Did my voice just raise?

I pull my clothes back on, avoiding Ciel's hurt gaze. I dug my way out blood and fire...

I was always so mistreated...misunderstood...told I was nothing but a _failure._

I clench my gloves fists in anger, bursting out, "CIEL! I CANNOT BE FIXED SO, PLEASE, FOR BOTH OF OUR MINDS JUST _STOP!"_

"NO! I will not stop! Ever!"

"CIEL," I yell, looking at his tear-streamed face. I turn away- I can't see him crying- and dress before looking over my shoulder at him.

"S-shut up...," he sobs, "I can fix you..." I turn fully around and step up to himl, taking his hands in mine, "No, no you can't..., Ciel...calm down..." I gently kiss his forehead, and he closes his eyes, still shaking and sobbing, "S-Seba-Sebastian...Don't leave me." I feel my barely beating heart crack a little more and I hold him close, petting him softly, "I would never dream of it, baby..."

"Sebastian? Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?"

"That you can't be fixed?"

"I do not lie to you."

"I will fix you, though, because I can't breathe without you."

I smile at his ignorance, and I pet his hair, "Oh, darling...I probably wouldn't be alive if you hadn't called out for anyone all those years ago." He and I had started this more romantic relationship a few months after our contract was put into place. I do not regret any second of it. Kissing his head, whisper soft words into his ears, "Ciel...you know I love you."

"But...but why?"

"Why what, darling?"

"Why are you so...so _broken_?"

I take in a deep, shaky breath. I guess I never really told Ciel...

"I-It's a long story...my lord...I guess it all started with my...um, father," my voice is cracking. I think I'm going to cry. Shit, I can't cry now. I might puke, too. But not on Ciel. On the floor? "M-...My father was a...a um, he was a demon." Okay, so far so good.

"A-And when I was about six years old in demon years...I..He...," I whisper because that's all I can really manage right now. Ciel looks up at me and says back, "Go on, Sebastian...It's okay. You can do it. I _know _you can..." I nod before licking my white lips nervously, "My father...he abused me as a child." I was so young...so innocent.

"Y-you mean he...he took advantage of you?"

I shift a bit, kissing his hair, "Many times, my lord." So many times. It hurt...It hurt so bad.

"L-like how the people at the c-cult hurt me?"

"Worse."

I shudder was I take in another breath. Damn, I'm crying now. Remembering...For Satan's sake why won't these memories leave me alone?!

_"Kiaran~" the voice purrs and I tremble, ten year old body curled up on the cold, hard, ground. Please, Father, just leave me alone! I gave you what you wanted...so why won't you just feed me? _

__"Sebastian...Sebastian that's horrible," he whispers into my chest. We sit there in a nice, soft, silence, but the deadly little voices in my head just keep _screaming._

_"Whore," he spat on me and grabbed a little eight year old wrist. I didn't mean to speak out of turn...Please don't punish me...Please..._

_Father raises his chin, looking down at me, kneeling before him. "I-I'm sorry," I whimper before I feel him grab a fistful of my hair, "You're such a ** disobedient **child...What ever shall I do with you?" Not this again. Please...Please no! Please don't! I feel tears roll down my cheeks and I sob as his lips crush against my own. _

_So wrong..._

_So **disgustingly **wrong..._

_Get off of me...**STOP!**_

_"F-Father," I whisper as he breaks it just as harshly. My tears feel like molten rock against my pale skin and taste like acid. And then...and then...and-_

I break from my thoughts when Ciel drags me from the past. "Did you say something, Ciel," I ask, looking down at him. He nods and kisses my lips for just a second, "I said that we should get some rest..." I nods and pick him up, setting my little love on his bed.

I quickly dress him for bed before shedding off layers of clothes to only be in my white dress shirt. As I crawl under the covers, next to Ciel, of course, I can't help but wonder.

Does Ciel still think I can be fixed?

He snuggles next to me and puts his head on my chest. I smile down at him, "Goodnight, Ciel."

"Goodnight, Sebastian."

* * *

Golden eyes flicker over the demon and the child in bed. Moonlight reflects off of rectangular glasses and Claude sighs as he leans against the trunk of the tree. Honestly...that brat thinking he can snatch what rightfully belongs to the spider. Why does he think he is?! Claude watches Sebastian closely, taking in every detail.

The raven actually looks somewhat...peaceful. _Why was he always so tense around me, _Claude wonders, furrowing his brow as he stretches his arms.

_No matter what I did- or how- Sebastian always...jumped when I touched him or yelped when I would brush against his skin...I didn't **want **to hurt him so much...But he's so beautiful. Like a black rose. Like **my **black rose..._

_I know it hurts, Sebastian...But...I want you. I want you so much. And you **will** be_ mine...

Claude jumps down from the tree and cracks his knuckles.

_Let the games begin..._

* * *

**A/N; Sorry for the veeery long delay! I love you all! Review, please!**


	9. Falling Fast

**A/N: Helloooo~~~~ my lovely readers...**

**warning(s): yaoi, shotas, hints of rape, weirdness.**

* * *

I woke up when the sun blinds through my eyelids. I sit up slowly and stretch my arms, feeling and hearing the joints crack and pop and I smile a bit at it. I scratch my head and look over at Ciel. I sigh- he isn't awake yet and there will be some time before he does awaken. I know he's tired, so I shouldn't make him get up yet. Besides, today is his day off.

I lay back down and sigh as I pull Ciel close to me.

It's funny...We've been dating for at least two years yet...yet the physical side never seems to get any further than a heated kiss. I get too nervous. I feel like I'm forcing Ciel into it. Making him bend over backwards to please me. That's _not _what I want.

He tells me it's okay, that he wants me so very badly...But I just..._can't_.

I think it's because I hear my father's voice when I touch my lips to Ciel's. I hear him telling me that no one will _ever _fall in love with such a useless, pathetic excuse for a demon. Or maybe it's those times when he'd break my body over and over and laugh when I screamed for anybody- somebody- to help.

Only no one ever came for me.

And once I _finally_ got away from Father, ((I was around 18 in demon years)) I met _**him.**_

Since sex was really the only thing I was ever good at, I was a prostitute and I was walking down the street when I heard the soft rumble of a sports car coming up quickly from behind me...

_I wrap the black trench coat tighter around myself and shudder at the cold air. Hell is okay, I guess. I look up at the Palace that stands so proudly in the middle of the city Oni. To put it bluntly, Satan lives there. He's the King of this wasteland we all call home. I've never seen his face, but I hear he's charismatic, greedy, lustful, seductive. Everything you'd expect from the Devil, of course. _

_ Is this what you wanted from me, Father? Of course it is. You've always told me I'm just a whore you've had the dis-fucking-pleasure of raising. I know it isn't true- I know you really do love me- but you try to convince yourself you don't. _

_But it still hurts. _

_I wobble a bit on my still new heels. They're much taller than my old ones and I'm still getting used to them. Being well, a prostitute, most of my day isn't exactly spent fully clothed..._

_I shudder as the cold winds blow harder. It stings my cheeks and I wipe my runny nose with the sleeve of my coat. I stuff my cold hands in my pockets and I hear the soft roar of a very expensive car coming up from behind me. I pay no mind until it slows down to rumble quietly next to me. My heels stop clicking as I look at it curiously. It's sleek- and black. Really _**_really_ **_expensive. The black tinted window rolls down and the driver is revealed. _

_I guess I should have not stepped off the curb and walked up to the open window. I shouldn't have looked into his golden eyes are watched how the moonlight from the three or so moons in Hell reflect off of his violet black hair. I shouldn't have told him my name, I shouldn't have gotten in the passenger side of his car. I shouldn't have told him my address and he shouldn't have driven me to my little dumpy apartment. _

_But I did all of those things and as he drove away, his cellphone number written in messy ink on the back of my hand, I felt my heart- for the first time- flutter. _

_So, maybe, all of those things should've happened. But if I knew then all of the **shit **Claude will put me through later, I would have not done all of those things._

It was after that day- a week or so later when Claude was over and Alice burst in- that my sister and he met. My little crush had been growing the whole time and Alice came in and left and Claude followed her.

Claude fell for Alice. Of course he would never have fallen for me- I was a _whore. _A whore that could barely clothe himself. A whore that stuttered and was nervous and jumpy and scared and skittish. A whore that was abused as a small demon-ling and had a bitter hate towards the world of Hell for things it had done wrong to me and would _surely _do wrong to me in the future. Life just hated me for some unknown reason.

Nonetheless, didn't hold anything against Alice.

She was raised by Mom. Our parents got a divorce when we were younger and Father kept me and Mom kept Alice. Of course, I still visited her and I lied about where the bruises came from

But she knew. Alice filled in the blanks about the harsh way Father spoke to me and the black, blue, green, and purple bruises on my hips. She cried and held me as I sobbed and shook in her arms.

Mom just smiled. She loves me- she does.

I jerk from my mind when Ciel shifts and rolls over, curling up under the sheets. I've been sleeping a lot lately. I'll get sluggish. I need to skip a night.

I look up at the ceiling and sigh softly. I perk up when I hear Pluto barking at _something _outside. I smile a bit. I didn't always hate dogs.

I think I was 16 when Father brought home a little silver wolf puppy. I smiled for the first time in a log while ((Father prevented me from seeing Alice after he found out she knew about the abuse)) and named him Mercury. He was my only a friend. I played with him and he followed me wherever I went.

A month later I went sleep and woke up to see Mercury's strangled, broken, bleeding body at the foot of my bed where he usually slept. I cried for hours before burying him in the backyard under a big oak tree.

I silently slip from bed and stretch again before looking down at my butler attire. No one is expected to be visiting today... I don't want to get dressed. So, I confidently stride down the hallways in my socks, white dress shirt, and black lace woman's panties.

Hey...don't judge. Screw boxers and briefs! Wear panties.

Like a man!

Ah, the life of a Phantomhive butler truly is simply one _hell _of a good time.

I walk into the kitchen and start to make breakfast, humming a happy tune. I pull out the ingredients and crack an egg over the bowl when I smell something.

Not something..._someone. _I sniff the air curiously, furrowing my brow.

It smells like...like...like...

Claude.

But why would he be here? He left me at least a week ago, and I don't think he'd want to come back anytime soon. I dismiss it as my overactive imagination and start to mix the egg in the bowl.

But the scent keeps teasing my senses. I think Claude's nearby, but with him you never truly know. Shit shit shit shit shit..

My vision blurrs, my hands shake, my knees falter.

_What the fuck is wrong with me?_

My stomach churns and I feel bile- or is it blood?- rise. I'm going to puke.

_FUCK! _

I collapse onto the floor is a mess, my hands and fingertips and toes twitching uncontrollably. I think I'm puking- the crimson red on the floor confirms my suspicions and I heave again before black clouds my vision. I open my mouth the scream.

"Shh...Darling Sebastian it's okay. I got you."

Claude. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Somebody shoot me now. Claude's here and he's picking me up and dear Satan why can't I _move_?!  
I take in one more strangled breath before everything becomes black.

* * *

I'm not sure how long I was out, but when my eyes blink awake I'm in a bed a know too well.

In a room I know too well.

In a mansion I know too well, next to a certain spider demon I know too well.

I sit up and realize I'm no longer in my butler uniform, but now a white dress shirt that's too big and black stockings that reach up to my knees. I shoot a glare at Claude, but he's sleeping. His glasses are on the bed stand beside him and he's shirtless but I hope he's got pants on.

I shift a bit and feel something heavy and metal around my ankle.

Oh no, he didn't.

I sit up and lift up the covers to confirm that yes he did. A silver cuff is around my ankle, and a heavy, thick chain connects my ankle to the bedpost. I yank my ankle up, pulling on it, and quickly discover that's a bad idea when the cuff tightens and cuts into my skin a bit. I flop back down- defeated.

What am I to do? Claude took me.

Ciel's worried.

I bite my lower lip, look at the door to his bedroom, and cry.

I can't believe I'm here again. This place caused me so much heartache and _pain _that I don't even know what to do with myself. I bring my balled fists to my chest and turn onto my side so I'm facing the door. My body voilently shakes as I sob silently, the tears wetting my pillow.

What did I do wrong? Tell me it's my fault- because it isn't, but somehow everyone- Father- thinks it is.

I fall too fast no one can stop me.


End file.
